So, one of the things that has plagued me forever is the green eyed monster…you know, jealousy. And it’s a real bitch to get rid of, once it has its claws in you. I’m discovering that I’ve been jealous of other people my entire life. And it’s so dumb. But, I need to conquer this monster if I’m ever going to be truly happy. How do I do that? I DON’T KNOW!! Otherwise I would have by now, sheesh.
My early memories of me as a child include me feeling self conscious. And now as an adult, I realize that I really didn’t have any reason to feel that way. Looking at pictures of myself, I was the same geeky, long legged, beanpole that the other kids were. I had a ridiculous hairstyle and giant teeth…normal. I had decent grades and a cute dog (RIP Mickey), all normal. Awesome, even.
I always had everything that I needed. I had a lot of things that I wanted. But here’s the thing…The things I wanted weren’t things! I craved love and acceptance. I wanted to feel special and beautiful. I wanted to be unique. That’s all I still want. And that’s what I’m still looking for.
When I was in high school, I suffered the same self loathing that I imagine most teenage girls suffer from. (Why can’t my hair be higher? I teased it and sprayed it and teased it! Why meeeeee??? Why can’t my spiral perm be more spiraly? How come my jeans aren’t tight rolled tighter? Why can’t I just keep one side of my overalls up? I don’t want both sides up! Why doesn’t my scrunchy perfectly match my flannel? WHY??????)
And as I grew, my jealousy and low self esteem began to eat at me more and more. I graduated from college and moved into my own apartment. I got a job. I bought a car (RIP Laser Red Mustang. You were loved.). I was on my own! I should have been bursting with pride, but I always felt like I fell a bit short. Why didn’t I get a better job? Why didn’t I have a bigger apartment? (The car was awesome, though. I’m not gonna lie about that!). And the sad fact is that no one was judging me. No one was saying these things to me. I was my own worst critic. I settled for what I could get and that was it. I sabotaged myself and made some poor decisions, simply because I didn’t have the confidence to fight for more.
Once I got married and settled into a “normal” life, I began to notice other things, and this is when the jealousy kicked into high gear. My ex used to get so frustrated with me because I constantly compared myself to others. But, what he neglected to see is that it still wasn’t about things. I was jealous of love. I wanted love. Pure, happy, uncomplicated love. (And I’m not naive…I’m very aware that what I see on the outside of couples and families does NOT necessarily represent what is on the inside.). But, I would see families at the zoo when I was toting two small children alone. Laughing, silly dads carrying kids around and having fun. I would see couples at the grocery store talking about what they wanted for dinner. I would see couples walking dogs, hand in hand, while the kids rode bikes ahead of them. That’s the THING I wanted. How do I let that go? how do I get over that? I want it. You can’t buy it, so I didn’t have it.
But, at this point in my life, I refuse to settle for less. I want the dream. I want the whole shebang. Wrinkles and all. I want someone to hold my hand on the couch while we watch a movie, but I also want someone I can vent my frustrations to. Someone who will hear me. And see me. And still love me. I want it, dammit!
But, that person is my other shoe. And that shoe is a Louboutin in the window. Untouchable. Out of reach. maybe even unrealistic. But, that person is shiny and awesome on the top and fiery red on the bottom. And that’s what I want! And as I’ve travelled down this road of healing and learning…I finally have the self confidence to fight for it, or at least be patient. It will come. I will not settle and you shouldn’t either. What do they say? Fool me once shame on me? Fool me twice? What?? Never mind, just don’t be a fool! We are all too damn old for that!
Finding My Other Shoe 