Keep me safe! Feeling like a pair of steel toed shoes

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of digging.  Digging into who I am and what (and who) I want.  Therapy has been super productive and I’m surrounded by the best people on earth.  This bubble of support and happiness has been priceless.  And, it has also allowed me to be somewhat vulnerable and start poking and prodding at some of my hurt places, to see if I’m ready to deal with them and start to heal.

Now, I’m not going to bore you with all of my “issues”, but I will tell you this….We all have them.  A shit ton of them.  Some of them can be as small as the memory of a stupid boy telling me I was ugly in 8th grade (Jeremy Scott…you are dead to me.).  Or they can be super major.  But, the bottom line is that they all affect us.  They all have worked on our insides to make us feel like less than perfect.  Less than the person that we want to be.  For me, specifically, they make me feel like a shell of a person sometimes.  And then, I start to compare my issues with other people’s issues, and I get mad because mine seem so minor.  I’m enormously blessed.  I have a warm house, healthy children, and plenty of shoes!  I’m lucky….but I still struggle.

Recently, I came across a thing on instagram (I want to use the word “meme”, but I don’t know if I’m cool enough to pull that off.  Imma stick with “thing”.). And this thing said, “what is meant for you shall not pass you”.  That hit me hard.  Here I am, out here floundering around, looking for my other shoe, when I need to just chill the eff out.  Maybe I’ve found my match.  Maybe I haven’t.  But, regardless, what the hell can I do about it?  All I can do is live my life and be a good person and a good mom and a good friend.  Right?  Everything is going to happen the way it should.

This is where I start thinking about steel toed shoes.  Now, this is a pair of shoes that I do NOT own.  Nor, do I think I ever will.  But, they are brilliant.  They look like normal shoes, but when you’re wearing them, and someone steps on you, you won’t get hurt!  They keep your little piggies safe and sound and uncrushed.

This, my friends, is what I need, what we all need.  A life sized piggy protector!  Keep me safe!  But, don’t be all obvious about it.  So, what does that look like?  After I thought about that for a bit, I deduced that it’s all about self confidence.  Your outer shell needs to be tough.  You need to KNOW that you are awesome and lovable and valuable.  If you truly know that, other people’s opinions and words won’t be able to hurt your piggies.  Your insides will be uncrushable!

The journey to healthy self esteem is a real shit show.  You have to dig up some gnarly stuff to clear it out of the way.  You have to accept a lot of the garbage that has happened to you, so that you can move forward.  And it’s not fair.  Life isn’t supposed to be full of garbage, but show me someone who doesn’t have garbage and I’ll show you someone who is full of crap.  We all have it.  In various degrees, sure, but we all have it.

My journey has begun and it’s been really interesting.  I find it amazing how people keep dropping into my life at the exact moments that I need them.  I find it amazing that I get a text or a phone call right when I need it.  Just knowing that someone out there is thinking about me makes my self confidence soar.  And I am FINALLY realizing that I am pretty ok.  A step above meh….and climbing!  Why would these awesome people consistently want to be in my life if I sucked as much as I think I do?  Maybe I don’t suck? Could it be????  Maybe I’m a hoot and a half!

And now that I truly believe that what is going to happen, is going to happen.  I can toughen up and let life hit me in the face.  I can take it.  I have a happy future waiting for me.  And it’s not going anywhere.  And nothing I do will change that…I am going to just keep on being a hoot!  (Sidebar….have you seen me rap?  It’s my claim to fame.  I threw down this weekend, and I’m quite sure I blew some minds.  My “meh” meter just climbed another notch!)